Dear Tara,
My mama told me you are finally here! I have been so excited to meet you. I have been getting ready for your arrival for my entire life. By the way, I think it is HILARIOUS that you stuck around inside your mama for an extra week and a half. I bet your mama thought it was funny too. I stayed inside mine for three extra days and when I came out she was smiling so that means it was amusing. Also, I am deeply impressed by your weight. 9 pounds--I like a woman with meatsies on her feetsies. Listen Tara, I hope I am not being too forward, but I have been here, on Planet Earth for 7 months now. I know A LOT of things and I know that you and me was meant to be. I have taken the liberty of planning our first date. Your mama and daddy might not have given you all the details on me yet-- so please lady lover, allow me to walk you through who I am by showing you how I will romance you.
I will come to pick you up in my deluxe umbrella stroller. It is orange, girl, orange. Only the best for you my little chublette.
Next, prepare to have your mind blown. I am gonna take you on a thrill ride you won't soon forget. This, my friend, is an elevator and I am taking YOU on it. There are buttons that light up and if you fart in it, you can just blame the person next to you. Fancy!
Next, my lady gets the deluxe treatment at the flower show. This is a flower in my lobby and you can see it. It has a layer of dust. You may not know this yet, but flowers are born from plastic in lobbies and live there, forever.
There is a tree too and I will wheel you right up to it, because my lovey deserves the best!
Can you handle me, my daring? I don't know if you can see the sign behind me baby, but it says "No Parking." The other one says "No Trespassing." I am parked there, trespassing like crazy. I can do what I want, when I want!
I may be rough, and tough but I will also protect you from harm. I will NOT take you here. There is a mean lady who lives in there and she likes to stick needles in chubby thighs. 
I have a soft side too. After the lobby botanical gardens, it is on to a great little look out I know of. Dogs make pee pee here and they don't wear diapers like you and me. It is freedom at its finest. 
Next we will nestle together in the foothills of a Washington Heights mountain range. They smell like a soft summer breeze chock full of diapers and spoiled vegetables. Sometimes furry little woodland creatures with long tails scurry up and down them. We can scale them together my darling schmoopy pants.
I don't mean to be presumptous, but if all goes well we will end up back at my place. My parents are quite affluent so I get a personal bathtub. There is plenty of room for two, and if I eat prunes, I will provide the bubbles.
1 comment:
hilarious! what a cutie you guys have!
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